What I want

I'm writing again. For no special reason, just to fulfill some treason set in motion for my soul. Yes my soul, the one that is lost. I feared for some time that I don't even have one. But all my life built me, piece by piece and pushed me to this point. So, my soul exists. But as I am unblessed and marked since before my birth as a human, a colossal, abundant stack of meat and bones, it was ripped away and hidden. I tried to find it. In stones, in falling stars, even in you. But who did this to me, was sure to know his mission. So my only escape is that my soul should find me. Until then captured in mundane activities I will slowly walk myself to the brink of self destruction.
I find always people to question my behavior. Why I'm filled with avarice. Why I contest every decision that life puts in front in me. So many "Why", that my only possible answer for all is still, "Why". Why this way and not the other thousands? Why the obedience? But these questions are for me. Fed to my brain one by one, on a daily base.
It's funny the way people see me. Not in a painful way like before, cause now I'm enjoying the havoc that ignites the others' curiosity. I'm an atheist that sometimes can be spotted in a church. I'm mentally violent person, still I feel tremors of sentiments in me. Maybe I'm special. Not saying that in a good way.Better, like deranged. Cause else, some will still think I do all that I do for show. What show? Some might really know the avalanche of unsocial, ravaging my interior. Anyway I'm a simple guy. I demand trust above all. I'm not saying you should trust me. But I'm insinuating that by offering me this, we'll ride a long way together. I once was a boyscout. And remember that the first of the rules, or laws, or whatever you might call them, was "The Scout consider his honor the fact that he is trusted".
So, honor me. Lay your life as whole into my hands. And close your eyes. You might never open them again. Or you may never want to see anything else, except what you saw when your eyes were closed. Ah, and if you run into my soul, please tell him I'm looking for it.