Clean

We've all been there where our actions turned into a creepling seed for future interactions. The
burden of it all and the heavy pressure on your shoulders were too much to take.So you've "spilled
the beans".Coming clean about something was never more frown upon than today. Because today when
you'll do such thing you'll be labeled as a selfish person. Trying to unload the burden and the
guilt by coming clean, with disregard of the injuries caused to the person you're opening up to.
So I have one question; are you freaking insane? Since when have we hit that bottom line that
classifies us as self centered bastards for telling the truth?! Granted, there is no other thing
that can hurt like the truth but in all honesty, grow a pair. How can you point a finger towards
someone that enables the truth blaming them for it. Certainly a person can be accused and judged
for their actions or lack of, but the self righteous confession to be trashed is lunacy. Of course
someone can live happily in ignorance and painfully with the truth,but does that make the truth
expendable? Or the fact that the said person is by universal law entitled to know the truth as it
is? Only now in this rotting society can you blame someone for being honest. Cause honor no longer
means anything to most of us. Although not precisely comfortable, I understand the value of pain
if it comes as a side effect of truth. I'd chop off the finger of the ignorant self-indulgent
humans. That finger that points towards someone that comes on their knees to put out the reality.
Confessing the truth might not be easy at all. And whomever thinks that doing that will set you
soul pain free is an idiot beyond any acceptable idiocy standard. No one is perfect and we are
bound to mistake. I don't like mistakes. Not to make them, and not to be made towards me. But I
will never punish or be able to understand the logic behind someone who does so, the person who
brings up the honest reality. Being it sense of guilt or whatever else might have triggered this
spontaneous confession, it is glorious. It is the free and pure sign that we, as a humankind
haven't already gone beyond redemption.

Why so grey?

I've been asked where all this grey clouds come from? What happened to me that turned me into what I am. Why no smile?
Well, I am different... not special or good. As I covered some of this in my walk I just have different perspectives and another purpose. I do smile. I do cry. I hate and love all the same, just as you do. Just that in my eternal turmoil, I do it to the extremes. While life is almost always grey shaded, my nuances are deep white or dark. Mixing them will get me nowhere else but in this grey zone.
I snap like a tense cable and I swallow resentment that others would find despicable. It is just what and how I am. You don't have to agree with me, and for all sake, you don't have to be like me. All you can do is listen. Listen to something that you might never hear by yourself. A song so sad that will break the stones of the mountains. So deep that oceans could not compete. A linear string of notes uncommon for most of the living ones, but that doesn't require understanding to enjoy it.
So I am nothing else than you, just lit and set aflame different. Just a rock, no more precious or distinct, but formed with other layers of forgotten sand. And we're here just to complete a background for a painting way more complicated and deep than both of us.

Obsession

It's pretty difficult going through a day without hearing people repeating in a deafening resonance the same stories, the same topics, to a point it becomes difficult to even withstand those persons. Some might blame this to a sense of boredom, in a way that a person's life doesn't provide anything new,fragrant and vibrant, or it can be just the pure fact of obsession over things. And this is what I'm gonna cover for now. The obsession of thoughts is a very well crafted two edged blade. On one side it can drive you towards some goal that you've set in view for quite a while. The failure in reaching that spot, or the difficulty in getting it to work as you intended can push it towards obsession. And this can be good in a moderate and well controlled amount. But anywhere beyond that very gray and faded line ,the obsession becomes a very powerful tool that start working against you. It is normal to realize it,cause usually comes with a stream of pressure. And while it will still remain a arrow that targets your goal, it will take it's toll by making you daily life overloaded. Stressful, sleepless, agitated like a fish in a way too small aquarium.
So you have to let go, because most of the times,the goal isn't worthy of the sacrifices and the things you'll cut back or loose in the process.
It is difficult... maybe more than anything else you'll experience. You may find yourself in questioning if it will be the right thing to do, that you are possibly close to the objective. Don't fool yourself. Just burn it, bury it and start fresh. A new goal, or the same but using very different approach.
The end point is that almost never is good obsessing over anything. The first step you have to pinpoint is when you actually start doing it. Cause then you can act on cutting back with minimal to no damage.
Don't disregard the effects of obsession. After all, it's still what I said it is... a blade.

Photo: Rob Wiltshire  

Numb

I feel tired. Drowning in my own calm seas, seas I've created with disregard of the fact that in truth I cannot swim. The gestures that my hands make are complex and intricate, but serve for nothing. Like my skin stands covered in a layer of mud, my sense became unable to adapt to anything. I feel an "old dinosaur". Pinned in a point that surges my veins with sore thoughts.
Winds took pieces of me. Shape-shifted by them, like a mountain edge, I stand witness to the time passing by. I have no other choice than to stand there, armed with the patience that abandoned me ages ago. And embrace my endless destiny.
No human made apocalypse, not the Sun gulping the Earth, nothing can make it end. Bound by the depths of time I, like an Egyptian effigy stand still, impervious to a common mortal life. I die and get reborn again every day like a cruel joke, a way diminished version of the gods.
So lay now besides me, as long as the life allows you. Be a part of something that although I don't yet fully understand, is something bigger. Freeze in this allegory. It will come that day when I'll figure out everything that is to know. A day when I'll be able to round up the concept of what my life was. Or the fact that I never actually lived.


Photo: Master Isolated Images

Trust

What is trust? I think you've said or heard the expression "Trust me". And it comes pretty easily to use, but can you really trust that person? Or even more than that, can you be trusted?

Well, first, the trust whatever might it be in essence, is earned. "Given trust" just like that, by default is a mistake. So you possibly think that a person you trust is a person that can save you from danger in a life threatening situation. But factually you need to trust that person with your day. Daily based, life is more difficult than death.

Assuming that you will find a right path and a right person toenable that fuzzy refreshing feeling, that comfort of decision named trust, you might find yourself in the next situation; the betrayal.And this can have two forms. It's either the fact that your whole trust assigning process is rotten, or it's target was unworthy of it. The best way to spot the issue and if it is your thought or the person is realizing how many times this happened to you so far. If you are consttanlty let down by people you entrust, then you have to reconsider the ways you let yourself trust. It is crucial to understand and perfect this, like any other aspect of your life. You might come as a harsh and cold hearted in this transition, but keep in mind how necessary it is.

Trust comes in various shapes and sizes. It is specific and personal for each individual. There isn't such thing as an universal recipe for it. Tailored by one's spirit and personality, it can be perfected only from inside. A self made custom product that can enable, if handled right, a whole new and brilliant path to guide your steps through the daily mayhem delivered by our human existence.

Salt

So let's talk...salt.I haven't yet swapped the content on my posts towards cooking nor inorganic chemistry. I am in search of the salt that resides in our beings. And if you ask in what way or what salt, well, let me try and paste a picture. Just moments ago I was mentioning cooking. Some roast... mashed potatoes... some sauce, pasta, pickles, chocolate even. All nice,with flavor. But then get those cooked without salt. No salt at all. The all round enhanced taste is gone. The roast tastes like... plastic. And so on.
Salt is not the most complex and complete product. You cannot have only that and get by. But you definitely need it in order to spice up your food and in this particular case, your soul. So I kept thinking what is this salt? I don't know yet. You might have encountered people that besides their almost identical appearance or structure... moral or immoral grounds of their personality, they are so distinct that all you can do is wonder.
We might have ideologies, qualities and defects, and they are all part of who we are. And they are common in existence to all. Not the same, or the same quantity, because after all we're individual beings. But what not all have is this... salt.And unlike gastronomy, I feel that a person cannot have too much of it.
This salt is sometimes visible to a trained eye. A spark in someone's look. Or the delicate touch that someone lands on something or another someone. In might be a sort of inner peace, case in which I am sad to realize I have none of it. Yet by now you know already that I'm not the top of the human food chain, and there should be no surprise if I get outrun by others.
So while I keep searching for the exact definition of this "salt" that resides in some of our souls, I'd urge you to do the same. And by that I don't mean specific finding a definition, but finding the salt in you.

Equinox

Today, at 9:04 am GMT, the equinox "hit". At that point the day was as long as the night, and from there on, the night will only get more and more territorial, grabbing her rightful place. And with it I revive. The days will be filled with darkness and cold, resembling a bit my will, and the remains of my soul. I love everything that is to come beyond this date, escalating until the winter solstice, when the night is at it's peak. Why do I or what's to love about it? Well, the dead cold silence. No more the fuss of people roaming around, tourists, joggers. And the ones that will remain will be deserving of it. Whomever dares defy the slicing cold and the rarity of life forms has my respect and gratitude.
The trees will turn brown. The air will fill your lungs with power, feeling it reaching for each bone. Birds will fly away or find shelter. The nature's life as we know it, is preparing for a hold. And when our reign comes to an end, only the deserving ones would have made it through.
So, slowly, children of the summer, gather your things and be on your way. Now the time is ours. And we intend to benefit from it. Held in captivity for over 6 months we are now ready to erupt and lay our dry cold touch on the world.

Power surge

How many times have you felt weak? Almost lifeless. Just a shade, barely scraping with your fingers what future weaves for you. Well, that must have been because in truth,you are weak. We're all weak and fragile. Thin sheets of glass trying to withstand the winds, the pressure that others and us create all around. But since you already feel weak,you are on the right way. Thinking you are not is an ultimate mistake. Not knowing what you are will help in no way to find a remedy for it.

And now you have to let go everything that doesn't serve you well. The people in your life, the circumstances, the places that are tampering your will. Keep close just your values of life. Don't lie to yourself. It's not good as an end result to lie to anyone, but lying to you it's beyond stupid. You have to live with yourself all day long,all your life, through sleep, through seasons...
You are important and insignificant at the same time. Important for you and people in your life; insignificant for the world as a whole and the Universe itself. So embrace the truth as it is. It is highly probable to be not so nice to visualize or accept. But never deny it. Your life will then be nothing. You will be then truly and irreversible weak. If that is something you can live it, okay... good for you. At least you might remember that it was your choice that you opted to live your life like this. If what you do with your life can be actually called living.
I'm not trying to sell a book, not even a blog post about self help or such similar techniques. As you read this, depending who you are, I am important or irrelevant for you. What I can offer you is only insight gained from my own mistakes. As I am constantly alpha-testing my life, I come up with numbers, data and statistics about... life. So, if these lines make no sense for you, put them aside for a while. Leave them there, safe, as I know that one day, they will come and reach for you. One day you'll find some for them some use.

Photo: Ambro

Money talk

Ok. Let's take a break from the common human inner struggle and talk money...sort of...human external struggle.
Some of you might still feel the 2008 crash and burn in the worldwide economy. Some of you might have been caught off guard.So let's see what it is all about in short and common terms.
It's not the first time something like this happened. Sometimes more locally than global,but in the end is something of an old story.
So in 2008, what happened was an economic display of the saying "Don't stretch more than your blanket can cover". What I am amazed by even now is that no one saw it coming.And by no one, I mean people that could have done something to prevent it. I saw it, but not in the exact proportion (I'll tell you later on why), and well, I was and still I'm not in any position to influence even the market of the vegetables the old lady sells few streets away. So we either have our destinies held in the hands of the blind people or ignorant ones. And ignorant it is. Because,if you remember what started the fire was the Lehman Brothers bankruptcy. And that was no mistake. It was a premeditated act, to make an example out of that company for everyone that stretches more than they can cover. While a logic goal, it was totally messed up. Because markets panic. And in stock markets decisions are made within seconds, sometimes only on superficial information. So, L.B. goes south, market sees it, while the people that took the decision don't feed any information into the system. All panic, start selling short, everyone remembers that guy X,company Y owe them money, margin calls come to a flow. And everyone tries to get their hands on money. But the issue is that at no point there will be so many printed money to cover the quantities of transactions. And what started as a snowball fight turned into an avalanche.
Now, what can you do to craft a safety net? First stop spending what you don't have. I know that car looks shiny and that brochure for summer in Cabo is tempting. And you should go for it.Maybe when you'll come home you won't have anything else that a "Foreclosure" post on your door.
If you have money to invest, two words: Precious metals.I am following their markets for over 4 years. I still pummel myself in the head for not getting my hands on as much silver as possible.Why silver? Well, I don't have exactly the purchase power for gold or rhodium. But to make it simple... how much interest does your bank pay for your deposit? Depends on the country of course but as a simple example, U.S. maximum deposit interest I could find was 1.1% /year.That while if you try to get a loan,they go up to 5%. So that's a 400% roughly in profit for giving you someone's else money. So, let's say you have.... $10.000.We're gonna make some simple math,excluding taxes and fees and the little mazes that every country's laws have.So if in 2007 you would have made a deposit,now you would have got in your balance ... less than $10.500. Now let's put that money in gold and silver.In 2007 gold started at $648/oz and silver at $13/oz. Today, gold is at $1840 and silver at about $42. Translated, gold would have got in your balance almost $29k and silver $32k. That is 19 or 22 thousand dollars profit. How is that compared to the $500?
Now I know it seems boring and tedious, and even more sounds over hyped, but this is the reality. You can buy it and have it delivered, or keep it in a pool account, works the same.
I remember an interview from 2 years ago when an economist said "If I'm forced to keep currency,I'll take only coins: the metal they are made from is at least worth something"

War

War. If I think a while this might be the human's first "proffession".Not gathering, not farming or hunting but war. Something appealing about the bloodshed that kept the cavemen, then tribes, empires and countries revolving around this habbit. And for what?
I am no pretender and I can't pose into the light of a pacifist,driving a stereotypical Volkswagen van. War was and sometimes is necessary. My "beef" with it though,is the same as with any other thing or action that cannot be justified. Or even more, with wars that are carried on false pretenses. Any sort of violence is to be frown upon, but we also have to understand it. And it has come more and more difficult to see the real reason behind the curtains. Look what we have today: Wars in Middle East, "revolutions" in countries of North Africa, riots along the board everywhere. And it has to stop. Which can be hard when you are fed missconceptions. Hard when you get a jeans advert with a dude that walks up to a police shield wall on a street with riots,raising his hands with a messagge of "bring it on" and the advert voices it as "You are marvelous". One of the most common forms of war starting is instigation.
As people we lost respect as a whole. But when you provoke violence, when you have that need of "let's smash and destroy something" and you opt for something else than your own dishes and TV set, then expect violence.In this context there isn't "be a greater man".You should be held responsable for every of your actions and paid back in full and the same "currency" as the one you claimed.
I know there are countries and nations oppressed by somehow tyrant remains.And those will fight their way out of it, because after all, the rule of reciprocity applies there too. Be oppressive and you shall expect feedback ...and not the most kind of feedback.
But after all, just understand the reasons of war as you should try to understand everything that happens around you. Fire can only be fought with fire if you crave for efficiency. And if you open your eyes you'll see that what you've thought before was in fact no thinking.Was a veil of shadows sawn to cover the eyes of those who cannot be bothered with searching for the truth. Unfortunately that mass of people is still overwhelming. But as it will decrease you'll see that less and less violence will emerge. It will never be extinct. It should never be so. At least not until the last person that sustained it through ignorance has closed it's eyes for the last time.

My world

My world... is a different one from this one that you know. My world has a blue cold sun. The oceans are green and in never rains. Never. There are no cities, just deserts linked together by molded pavements. The oceans are green and lifeless. No animals live here and plants you can rarely see in some shadowed and humid refuge. The days and the nights are long... long and eerie. And they go by, watching upon us, the few inhabitants lost among the deserts. We never smile. We never cry. We're as deep as the rain-less sky, think as the green waters and cold as our sun.
Stranger to each other and abandoned by our own faith, we still live. The purpose why I do is fairly foggy. My beliefs are starting to turn into nothingness with every step that I take. In some forgotten corner of my memory I remember days long ago when time meant something for me. When I stood up, armed and ready to fight for the principles that made by themselves this world to be whole. I think I've failed somehow. Outnumbered or diabolically betrayed, one day I felt my armor falling down. My weapon. My pride. Stripped down to bare bones and emptied from content.
I am sorry world. I guess I knew that this will happen. And look what we've become. What this place has become.
Now is time for me to walk again. Along with the other few that still live, I'll keep haunting this place. Driven only by hatred and regrets. By sorrow and bitter touch. The world... you... have forgotten us. And now look at what this place has become without our stewardship. I hope you can be happy, cause we, the last remaining to see the truth will never be.  

The Price of a Man

I recall a bit funny to my senses a game we played long ago in kindergarden. We were asked what do we think we are... as a value, as a measure unit. The answers were entertaining for the teachers, cause we were either a fruit, or something untouchable as a star.

Growing up I've learned that every person has it's price. Being it direct remuneration or another type of compensatory payment, most if not all have their border. Past that anyone in their life becomes tradeable. Exchanged in a way or another for profit. And I'm not talking about jobs or something like that. I'm talking about the pure role that a payment system intervenes between two or more people.

I don't know exactly what's my buyout. Have never put myself yet in that position. All that I know, is that there are things that I won't sell or trade in any form. Things that by doing so will compromise my already damaged self-esteem, and trample my system of values.

What I do know,is recently I've found the price that someone would trade me for. Let's say I'll live forty more years.In that aspect, the price I'm sold for is almost half of a milion euros.

Give or take some according to market, exchange rates, etc.

So I'm for sale. I've been put for sale. And I know I'm nothing great, but if you buy me, you'll see that you have done the right thing in the end. I might not last long, I have no warranty, sometimes I snap, now and then I need repairs. Unpredictable you might say. But, my dear buyer, rest assured for one thing. I won't forget what you did for me. I will never sell you.

Photo: www.freedigitalphotos.net

Routine

I wake up gently, without a noise, more smooth than a lake's crystal surface. But when I turn around I realise like just ripped from another dimension that you are not here.

My days became filled with a collage of dreams and altered reality. I still cook for two, still with love for doing it. So we sit there, me and the empty chair, looking at eachother, without judging or questioning the other's sanity. It's for the best.

I recheck the door. It's open, open as I've left it during the night, just in case you have no keys. I slowly go down the stairs to check my mail and...nothing. Not even the ever annoying overlycolored advertising junk.

So I stay inside the house, gliding now and then through the rooms just to make sure I haven't missplaced you. Scared to leave this self-made jail, because I might miss your return.

I look at the clock and make a run for it... maybe I can find you. But although filled with people of all sort, disappointed and lost, I break the bad news to me; you're not at the airport. Not in the skies, not outside touching the rain, not at this cornered table over which I remember your smile.

Back home, I search again, like a lunatic. Nothing. Even the dust is like I left it.

Going to sleep, in the hope that my wounds will close at night. And as I lay down in the cold bed, I hear again the same mocking voice in the wind "she is not coming".

Testament

I am gonna start this letter as anyone will start it. If you see this, means I'm no more. Dead. Finally.

And that's about it. That's about everything this letter has in common with any other human's.

Volunteer or not, the time has decided that my turn arrived. No time to pack bags, not even to wave a shallow goodbye. You'll come to see my body, but know that I am not there anymore. What you see, is now a fully reached vessel. It is now completely what it always was; a shell... an empty shell. And as the earth fed me all along, it is just to repay my ancestral debt. Trees will feed their roots from me, then slowly let me linger in their leafs, glowing until the autumn's rust, under the burning sun. Then I will fall, cover myself with blanket of snow, resting as deserved, dreaming of spring. And in a way or another, it will all repeat. My gift for the nature.

As for you, don't falter. Take in your every step the joy of being once loved as no mortal could love or be loved.

With my death, my love won't decay, won't disipate. Cause something as great cannot just stop existing. Like a broken dam's water, now it flows. Don't mourn. Shine, recognizing that the shackles of mortality were broken. No longer am I bound to something earthen. So I am free as never before. To soar into the skies and reaches of the Universe.

Bathe in my feelings now, as they scour everything that surrounds you. I'll be the chill in the lost rain. The savage bite of the winter's wind. The air that rests on your skin day after day. The dust of stars that will enchant your dreams.

I know I've failed you so many times. The vocal shards that hurt so much...so deep. Yet you stood tall. Like a seal upon my arm, present there in the nothingness that sometimes I was transformed in.

My love is now complete as never before. With nothing to hold it back, it will envelop you in a living dance.It is right to feel hurt cause I am gone. But soothe my soul, day after day, by feeling me everywhere I am. I wouldn't leave you alone. And know that I will wait for the day when we would fly with the winds...together again.

Not yours

I am not yours, I don't belong to you

My flight will take me throught the neverending clouds

I am not bound to anything humane

Making my life from earth and lightning sounds.

I am not owned ,nor shackled.I am free

From all that scare the pure and glowing charm

The flicker in my eye will never see

What else is there but recklesness and harm.

So I'm not yours, don't call my name tonight

I am not anyone's and none to hear my plight.

I roam alone like wind in desert storms

While shifting in my deadly forms.

I told you, I'm not yours, I'm nothing to be owned

I'm not a flower that you bought one day

But what I am, a wanderer on road.

That begs you to arrange a place to stay.

As foolish as I am,I knew it all along

That this whole world I've lost myself within

It's the same world I'm sworn to; and belong

to it so much, like nothing that was seen

My this whole realm,that I reside with love

It's only you...as you wouldn't have known

That every pulse, and every drop of blood.

It's born as it will die for you. It's shown

So all my skies,my rivers and my lands.

In which I bathe myself as a free man

Are nothing more than cells of your sweet smile...

The smile towards my whole life always ran.

The Good and the Evil

Old topic, and how it's old...

For the people out there that believe in deities, well, good for you. But food for thought... I am looking in pity upon most cause they fail to do even what they claim they know.The Bible... or how I'd rather look upon it, a code of conduct. If there is one out there that never stepped outside the border, raise your hands. Come on, raise them. Nothing? Well, at least you're honest. And now, fear the eternal burning of Hell's flames. Or not. Cause what most of you think, is that there is absolution. A sort of "the end justifies the means". But no, no ,no.You don't deserve it. It's not that simple. You cannot mistake and then repent. Well, you can pretend to, even try to, but the truth is that you have no idea to where your defiance extends. You are not worthy of anything. The book you read and base you deity upon says it, and I say it. I am exhausted by the fake puritanism that travels the streets. Even more so, it has become a social puritanism. Cause we both know what happens behind closed door. When you are alone... I see your visions. I feel your anger and the judgement you, in the end, are not entitled to have.

Now let's go to the other team... the "evil" team. Sects of mentally damaged people, with no such book as the Bible to rely on (or just as well they might have one... like the Bible... wrote by humans). Now, they perform rituals, sacrifices, and mass suicide. Something new, something old. Goat slaughter is not a new age thing, it's old and it's Jewish. You know... the "chosen" ones. All 144.000 of them. Symbolic of course. Too little some of you might say. I'd say too many. An exaggeration. Cause, my dear believing reader, if you look indepth on everything that's written, you'll find that the mentioned 144.000 are not members of a nation, nor a religion. They are the sealed ones. To clarify on short what... well, who are those, those are the non followers. They don't attain the goals of a religion, or a church or a book. They don't guide their life by what it's preached to them. They feel life as it is; pure, true.

Now....back to the "evil" team. If the Devil exists as an antithesis to another "good" deity, I cannot immagine that he could look at these "satanic" cults without burying it's face in it's hands saying "These morons are a complete disgrace". Cause don't be fooled. If you think it exists, then it is after all a deity. A character you can't even grasp to understand. And as for everything that's above you, even enemy if might be, hold respect. So, yes, if you an all "god fearing" person, fail (don't be mistaken, you do) to accomplish and uphold everything your guide book says, don't think that the others perform better. And, being it a guide book, the Bible that is, it's still whole. And feel it true when someone will tell you, even your adorned church leader, that you need to comply only to some parts of the book (no wonder they read all year long the same parts), take it, and slap your priest to reality. No, I'm not telling you to go get a circumcision or burn some sheep fat on oak lumber.

Just... wake up...

Stop trying to be a follower of something. Be instead a decent human.

Photo: Federico Stevanin

In front of me

My reader. I understand your pain... Yes,I've been drinking again.Like an addict I claim I have no problem. The quintessence of all things runs through my veins like a mud filled river. Tonight I close my eyes understanding that I've lost my own game. How foolish! How can you lose a game you've made all the rules for? Well, I can't answer you that. I'm darkened in my sight, and all I say to you now might become irrelevant... like me.

I look at the sky and see, as geek as I might be even in this troubled hour, Neptune. The first planet to be discovered by mathematical calculations rather that just observing. In a pushing method it's the same way... it's feeling rather than seeing. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I don't know...I don't know anything for certain..anything beyond any doubt for a while now. What I urge you to do though, is look at the sky... see the star...the planet in front of you. Then close your eyes, and slowly, let it corrupt your senses. Until you'll only see what really matters in life. In your life...

Ring

I call again for you Arvae. For understanding and wisdom. I've listened a washed ashore seashell. And it too,was silent. My ring... my link with the other worlds has broken. I still don't know when or how. Just now I feel myself washed ashore husk. Drifted on sands and muted, with all the words I knew once that now remain forgotten.

I knew this day will come one day. When I'll succumb to mortality without any notice. When my touch will fade amongst the trees. A poltergeist. With nothing to keep my remains together, I cannot even cry for help. Useless as the rain soaked dust.

I fear that I've become what I hated and despised... I tremor at the thought that I'm now one of your beloved creatures... a human. Cursed to obey the laws of flesh. Doomed to... feel? Feel for things that I've looked down upon. For every little thing that made me along the ages to crave for something different. To feel for things that made me feel I don't belong with them. I am mostly lost,without being able to hear my own thoughts. If so, it is well possible that you won't even hear me. If so, no one will hear me...

Photo: Tom Curtis

Walk...

The winter dulled my senses. Maybe it was the cold of it or the fact that I slept so long. To refresh everything,I took a day off from everything and walked outside. Not to do something as usual but just... walk. I felt under my feet the mourning of the leafs fallen the past autumn. I have listened their vanquishing words as I was moving along, pushed gently by a breeze that for reasons above any knowledge was strange to me. Buildings and people were passing by me as my whole Universe wasn't moving. I found a bench under a tree and seemingly I rushed towards it, like an unsatiable call for rest was overwhelming me. Sitting there I have looked upon couples taking a walk, kids anxiously heading back home from school, cars, birds, everything, like in a Degas pastel. And innevitable for me was to ask myself the question: Why do all these things resemble happiness? They look upon life and treat it and deal with it with love. Placing a smile now and then, to soften the day. Dreaming and wishing. So why,now being a peon of the flesh curse, I cannot do that? Why can't I feel that exuberating joy, even childish, even for a second? The smile is running from my face and the tears of joy never gifted me their presence.

I felt anger and repulsion. For me. Like death itself yearning for all that's human and mortal. What is wrong with me?

Hours might have passed by and my faulty rationality haven't gave me an answer yet. So I decided it's useless to keep trying. To find answers to questions that maybe shouldn't have existed in the first place. But as I raised my dusty body a beam of the sun,preparing itself to go away, fell on me. I looked around and ...no one... no one was sharing that ray,or any other for that matter. And then it struck me. I finally realized that was nothing wrong with me.Was nothing wrong with the others I've seen enjoying the day. We just had different paths. Different purposes. When night is about to fall upon the world, my reign begins.

There are things and people out there that will defile the joy and the serenity of the ones I saw. So I, have been gifted with a cause. My absent smile, my pure hatred and vengeful soul...they are not curses.They are not flaws. I have to stand tall and safeguard what I cherish. What I valor and honor. Because the truth is,my dear reader that the world is sick. And somehow the taint needs to be kept away. Then hate me,point fingers and despise me.I am not a saviour or a hero.The fate has chosen me and not viceversa. Just to realize that you cannot fight fire with flowers and smiles, I will fight fire with more fire. And if that's not enough, I shall release the very flame that burns inside me. It will be the end of me,but when that day comes, I too will burn, holding my head up,and finally smile back. To the people that found and knew the purpose of life. To the cold buildings. To the fallen leafs that were mourning under my feet. Maybe crying my faith, or hurting for the burdens that I will have to carry.

Photo: Graur Codrin

Reper

I am sorry is has been so long. Time to gather my forces, scattered all over the sands of the immortality. My eyes gather sometimes small clusters of salty water. As the seas you're now sliding upon. I've built my life so I don't regret what's past, yet here I am regreting you. You're gone, in a world I can no longer touch. A wind so subtle and fragile that my lips won't dare to defy, speaking words that have no sense tied to them.

I wasn't there when you passed away. So how can I set glory to the courage you inspired me with? So coward, and lifeless. That day, not only you have died, but I died too, like a song that everyone is to repulsed to sing. No one can soothe my regret and torment, and even if you maybe forgave me, my burden stands.

How I'd wish you could be here. See what I do, feel what I dream. Watch proud upon the woman I love, and only once, smile again. But is too late now. Just know that as long as my heart beats, and my soul still lingers around searching for serenity, you are a part of me.

Photo: Evgeni Dinev

Forgetting

Do you remember if I call, one by one my restless days?

The mighty statues we created for our raging silent plays?

The olives that sometimes just sheltered a running kiss I stole from you

And memories that we succeded to craft them into something new?

Not bored by crying, I adore you, as solar dust you glow insane

A healing wound, sometimes it itches in such a way, not to forget

The kindest error you commited without expecting any gain...

I am still wandering... a shadow... do you remember how we met?

A thunder. Crazy. Sky is falling

In little tears that wash away my shame

Sinister screeching of an owl,

I fear and I love the same

No matter all the noise, just rest now and fall a feather on my chest

Cause after all, from time to time, even the muses go to rest

I'll guard the entrance of the Hell

I'll guard the entrance of your heart

I'll guard whatever needs salvation, without me taking any part.

So, well ...

Just dream as always and dream in choices something new

Don't mind the scattered tiny noises that maybe in your path I threw

Because I know all is forgotten in sickening and endless churn

So now, remember me and smile, cause one day it will be my turn.

Of past

I have been Hell bound. The wicked Devil asked me why do I think I was there. No answer other than " I'm dead" struck me. He started laughing as he gestured for me to follow him. I saw no lava fields, no pots of smelted tar. No little demons walking around with tridents. Just plain fields of high grown grass, as the Devil and I were walking.He turned to me and said: "Nothing you imagined, right? Nothing that books or other mortals told you. Be certain...this is the hell. But you are not here for the sins you committed. How can I judge you for something you were born with?" As he was saying this we came close to a pond, so clear that I could have sworn there were two of me. "You are here to see what your past.Here, you have a silver coin.If you want to change your past,just throw it in the pond".

Words barely finished and I was already in another place. Nightmares of my deeds started piercing my skin. I saw loved ones I lost. I was just standing there, amazed by the pastel set up by the Devil as he understood what I have done. The mourning of the people that perished under my voice made me realize that Hell, is not a place.It's not imagination either.It's the mistakes of your mortal life.

The sky darkened as I walked upon these desert lands.I could hear the torment in the winds and feel the pain of so many lost lives .The ground was shaking on my every move, while eerie images encumbered my already shadowed mind. A scenario that could scare anyone. I gave up, and wanted to change my past. I looked again in the pond that for all I could tell was following me around, and flipping the coin in my hand I was thinking. But in the end I didn't threw it.

I understood that by doing it I'll also lose what I have and who I am. And who I have. Roaming with nothing else than my will, I felt no despair. Cause I knew that at the end of my journey, I will find her waiting for me.

I woke up and knew it was just a dream. Gratefull, I walked to her and locked her in my arms. I felt at ease and reliefed. In such a way, that my sight totally missed the silver coin near my pillow.