Gracefull idiocy

Not a secret, for me at least, that idiot people are happier. Or maybe I was just mistaken, in a way that today I might be able to correct. I guess they're not happier, they just have different ranks and values for happiness meaning. As money go where money already are, same, for the people over the idiot level, happiness develops other meanings. Meanings that most probably are unreachable targets. Therefore, with certitude, smart people will never be happy. Tell me one person of wisdom that was happy. That had a wonderful easy life. Don't tell me Rihanna,or a football player name if you care to leave your desktop alive. And I am not happy. Don't know if it's a brain development, or that I'm just too ... finished. Sometimes it's ok, but many times I've come to wonder if it's really a great idea to give up the sentiment of wholeness for the capacity to learn faster new things, to think, to create. So, I can think that only egoist persons can be happy. Not the highest level of happiness life can't provide, but what you don't know, can't hurt you.You can't miss the taste of grapes if you never ate one. I just need to find a way to demote my rationality enough to be happy for my level. To once can touch something without draining the joy and life out of it. Any suggestion is welcomed, so feel free to drop one in the Comment section. Till tomorrow, keep in mind: don't argue with stupid people; they'll drag you to their level and beat you with their experience.

Cumulative darkness

Few besides my closest and limited friends know me as a funny, interactive, and a nice guy. Hell, maybe not even then see me like this. But majority's perception regarding me is a lot darker. And not necessary a wrong one. Defined by nature, I'm not an easy to stand around guy. I'm kinda possessive, and reticent to all new faces around. I'm bitter-sour and easily capable to create discomfort. Capable to consume your air in a matter of seconds and create an angst environment. Maybe, all cause I've screwed things up so many times, maybe a lot more than a person should get. In all my days I've been sincere, and deceiving. Pain absorber and damage dealer. And maybe cause not even today I feel I was placed right in time. I seem more than slightly different, and although very adaptable, I feel no excitement to do it. I crave for moments and desire contexts that vanished long time before my birth. After a few drinks I might really believe in reincarnation. And no longer can assume that all I'm feeling it's a teenage normal behavior. Almost 23 now biologically and spirit-wise, definitely more than that.
Quoting a song, I can find that the real reason for me being here, it's due to a temporary overburdened hell. Stuck on a waiting list, ignored with mastery by the clerks there, there isn't much for me to do. Maybe I'll just keep posting daily on this blog while you'll wonder if a person like me really exists. Or even if I should exist...

...part two of romanian stupidity

Although you can't actually quantify the stupidity, and for sure reasons the Romanian one, I feel the urge to continue the last day's post regarding the national presidential elections occurred Sunday. Romanian people had started screwing thing up even since the Aurelian withdrew the roman armies in 267 AD. Sparks of knowledge occasionally emerged to surface, but only to be slaughtered in a matter of days. We seem not to like smart people, and when induced otherwise there surely a scheme of manipulation is involved. We also don't like curious people, and as the English saying "Curiosity killed the cat", we have our own "Curiosul moare repede"... the curious people die quick.
In a political climate salted in history also by military purposes we hide, but we should be known for our ability to sneak and betray. Not only once happened to switch sides, and as for WWI and WWII, a person with a sense of history can easily see this things happen. We shift for what we presume to be the better side, but soon to be cornered and pummeled. And this does not come undeserved.
Coming back to year 2009 and the elections, the Romanians are divided like this. Rough measures but again, I'm not grasping for the exact numbers. 33% people who can vote with an opened mind, 33% people who prefer not to vote due to lazy feeling or lack of hope, and 33% idiots. I am placed in the second category, carefully wrapped in my gone hope and laziness. But when you find out that 1/3rd of your country is idiot, that must give you a heads up. No election option was long time viable, but as some taught me when I was a kid, when you are pinned to choose, and no option is adequate, you must pick the smallest evil. If you fail to see that your country has suffered and been constantly grinded in the last 5 years, you must suck really bad in all domains. I pity your family and your neibourghs, your future generation and the people you come in contact with. We get stupid everyday, but enough is enough. We must finish it once. Look everywhere, look on your paper in the international news section. Look on the internet. No thinking human believes that what happened here, in 6th December is the right thing to do. And all of these choices my own nation makes, just push me over the edge, and give me courage to accept the fact that one day, very soon, I must escape this place. With no remorse, and my rationality still operational.

Politic...our everyday whore

For this day I'm choosing to let aside my bitter and grey morality,for our everyday abusive sex infusion.A violent hit in our minds,that is destined to spread clouds of confusions in our head. Distanced from any shade of direct political contact for some time, I couldn't make myself immune to the laughter caused by our national elections. I wasn't too much present in the love story between the candidates, and, saying more direct, I didn't gave a fuck about all of this.
Until today.Sunday was the 2nd run and the final one for the presidential elections.Provisory results placed the.... OK .... I am naming the current president X, and the contendent as Y. So last night Y seemed like the new president with a 0.7 % plus. Numbers may be slightly different, but my lack of interest is stopping me in taking them. This morning, stupefy. Someone is calling me to say that... some financial activities will be stopped for few days due to current instability in political decisions. X seems now still president with an edge of some 40.000 votes. Long story short, small companies with no people in the Government to rely on, to bribe and cheat, are being raped and abused everyday in the last 2 years.And futile to say that when the world economy went down, all normal, non-moronic countries protected their companies and economy.Here? We had the honor to be left swimming with the sharks.
So regarding my phone call,it clear now that in a matter of few months several huge companies will withdraw their activities from this country.
It will be stupid anyway for me to say that I have expected anything else to happen.Now all cry "Thief" and point to the others. Hope they get tired someday and start working. Idiots.

Embrace

I'm a choking a bit as I see you coming closer. My cold blood starts agitating and soon to boil. You grab my hand, and I don't know why are you still doing that. I hate it. I love you do it. It's hurting my every cell and still I find nothing else more pleasant to do than to let you do it. You seek my eyes, but they're guarded. Shaded, fixating the earth, in a such manner that I could even shatter it. I don't want you to see my weakness, although you know I'm weak. I'm fond of your embrace, but I must not let it happen.
I'm damaged goods, but you never cared about that, you're the only person still alive that trusted me blindly, even in the moment I decided the paths we're following should split. You knew what I was trying to do, and under the tears of bitterness you promised to obey my will. I try to lay down words, thinking of you, but every word goes empty as it's formed. Cause nothing mortal can envelop my toughts, my feelings. And useless as me is the fact that I always try.
And now after this much time, you still stand serene, holding my hand. Although my hatred still consumes, and my touch still vanishes in shadows, you belive in me. Even now. Even now, when I let your hand fall down, and push you again away. My only hope remains you'll stay the same, pure and twisted as I first felt in love with you. And stay like this until I will be able to cure my curse, to heal my demonic wounds. And if this is meant not to happen, all Universe, and even you will know, that there was no moment in my life when my soul stopped being yours.

Letter...

You're asking yourself probably what things I bear in mind now, what idea are haunting me,and I can't give you an answer.I don't know how I always end up in places I;m not supposed to be,and I don't even know why this happens. Most of the time it's hard to do what I'm supposed to,and now is nearly impossible. Why I was once feeling good, calm?I'm understanding now...because I was close to you. Without any whisper, without any sinner touch, but just closer to you.
And it has come the time for you to understand me,to understand that I can no longer follow a path that is taking me to you eventually.I know, I'm an idiot for thinking like this, but sometimes I have to do it.Because I'm nothing to desire,and I am someone who cannot be as normal as others.On short, it's that I don't want to get to the point where I will be able to make you suffer.
And thinking of your eyes being slaves of the tears,or your heart pierced by pain and suffering...just can't do it.I's better for you to taste my poison a bit,now, instead of more along the years.Cause maybe, it will be too late,and you already have been transformed into..me.
We haven't spoke for a long time, I've lost you somehow, along the pages of a book, and I haven't knew how much you represent to me,an how I've missed you,until I found you again.And I see why.
Just for that, I'm not asking you to forgive me, and I'm not telling you face to face all this words; your stare, and all you are, will make me not to leave.Will capture me in a place I shouldn't belong to, not because I don't want this, but because it will be better for you.

What I want

I'm writing again. For no special reason, just to fulfill some treason set in motion for my soul. Yes my soul, the one that is lost. I feared for some time that I don't even have one. But all my life built me, piece by piece and pushed me to this point. So, my soul exists. But as I am unblessed and marked since before my birth as a human, a colossal, abundant stack of meat and bones, it was ripped away and hidden. I tried to find it. In stones, in falling stars, even in you. But who did this to me, was sure to know his mission. So my only escape is that my soul should find me. Until then captured in mundane activities I will slowly walk myself to the brink of self destruction.
I find always people to question my behavior. Why I'm filled with avarice. Why I contest every decision that life puts in front in me. So many "Why", that my only possible answer for all is still, "Why". Why this way and not the other thousands? Why the obedience? But these questions are for me. Fed to my brain one by one, on a daily base.
It's funny the way people see me. Not in a painful way like before, cause now I'm enjoying the havoc that ignites the others' curiosity. I'm an atheist that sometimes can be spotted in a church. I'm mentally violent person, still I feel tremors of sentiments in me. Maybe I'm special. Not saying that in a good way.Better, like deranged. Cause else, some will still think I do all that I do for show. What show? Some might really know the avalanche of unsocial, ravaging my interior. Anyway I'm a simple guy. I demand trust above all. I'm not saying you should trust me. But I'm insinuating that by offering me this, we'll ride a long way together. I once was a boyscout. And remember that the first of the rules, or laws, or whatever you might call them, was "The Scout consider his honor the fact that he is trusted".
So, honor me. Lay your life as whole into my hands. And close your eyes. You might never open them again. Or you may never want to see anything else, except what you saw when your eyes were closed. Ah, and if you run into my soul, please tell him I'm looking for it.

Guarded

The night has fallen again out of nowhere.I feel safe now and spoiled under the few glimps of moonlight.I grab a glass of old, dusty wine and I take a seat.Closing my eyes, I breath rare, deep, but somehow light like a snowflake.Maybe I'm afraid that I'll awake you.
I push my mind forward knocking down clouds and walls,and now I finally got to you.I do this every night.Caught under a spell, driven by the darkest corners of my mind,I'm watching you as you sleep.Profound.Lost in a slumber that I'm preparing for you everyday.When you are awake,I guard your dreams.When you sleep, I guard your body.An endless play that I've comitted to long ago.So now, I take place near you, awaiting the dawn.
I'm stupidly captivated by all I am finding here,as your shut eyes move a bit.You're dreaming. It is the dream that I've created for your. Sometimes the sweetest adventure, sometimes the most terrifying nightmares.You cry everytime you wake up like this, but I can't take you in my arms to calm you down. Because I was the one who did this to you. And why? Who knows for how long I'll be able to guard you. Who knows what terrible nightmares will grind my soul. So, you must be prepared for all there is in this world.For the beauties and the brutality.
I take the time to enjoy you. I grab your hand and let my chills enrapture you.Your skin, warm and smelling like lillies, drops small crystals of sweat, as I'm ending your nightmare.You feel secure now, and your face gains a glow, I'm barely resisting. I'm stareing like I want to capture you. Stiring emotions of unknown beginings, I...oh...my heart is shaking. Crumbling. Shattering. It is my end. Now I know. With no shackles remaining, I lean over and kiss your lips.Those silky lips I often saw mumbleing in sleep,as you slided across my creations.
You will rise tomorrow, never knowing about me.Sometimes you'll feel your chest vibrating and your lips tingleing under the touch of...nothing.It will still be me,tho I don't exist anymore.Now I known. Now I remember. This night was my end because my love for you began.

Elipse

The sad old wind has come near my window
And as I stand in lifeless tired gaze
In felt him circleing my mind
A pattern of a rusted ancient maze.

He whispered things of endless beauty, that I don't cherrish anymore
And told me of so many loves that shyly once had knocked my door.
I didn't knew what he was talking; I didn't knew so many things
Not even if he stands aware of my heart's cruel, blooming stings.
He kept on going and refreshing, the memories I've long forgot.
The sweetest kiss, the happy humans, but why he doesn't know I'm not?
"I am not happy, nor I'm human. I have the nightmares as my shield
My glacial touch, so malevolent that shatters everything you build.
The sorrow, oh, my ancient lover, we are to never grow apart...
I'm all the faces of Despair. I cannot end what I don't start"
I sang these part to get my feelings so damaged and so drain of joy
But the old wind was far to busy convincing me I can't destroy...

-My son.Stand still.I know you're tired, I know your blackened hasty blood
And all the anger that invades you and hopes you slowly drowned in mud.
The Death you always want to summon, will never hear, will never come
The pain that back in time was given, to you, shall prosper and decay
I feel the shadow in your future and seen the torments you have done
I cannot lie to you, deceiving, and telling "You'll be fine.Just stay"
You will remain as void as always but freely as a rare dove,
Enjoy what others give you, I never said you can't feel love-

The wind is gone now;
and so my turmoil had never grew like this before
I have inherited pure lies, and agony, and so much more
So many shadowy figures that try to force me what to do.
And since the slaves I don't adore
The time is now to turn to you.