Holiday?

Another holiday season to join you family and friends, gettin together and sharing at least few moments. Enlightened, please smile and remember this year that has come to past. With the hard times, and the rewarding ones.Through all this, know that you were never alone. I am not trying to sweeten up the reality, cause it doesn't need to be mild.

Now get up from your PC, get out and look up to the sky. Stand tall and proud. Feel the blood rushing in your veins as slowly you recall the memories of your loved ones. Empowered, remember these words; no matter what next year will bring with it, one year from now, we'll be here, again, looking upon the stars and each other. Knowing that you, my friend have succeeded once more. Cherish your true love, and bless the warrior in you.

The Seals

Hello Arvae, my dear friend

We haven't talked for so long, and for some many nights I felt asleep without summoning you.So here I am, writing, from this misere place you have abandoned me. These shadowy figures haunt me as I crave my absolution. Bound to this realm of twisting minds, these creatures you admire so much have began to disgust me. You never taught me about the human ways, nor have you prepared me for this. So in my survival charade I've came to be more and more alone. I am now a ghost myself, hovering, trying to remember a road I never knew. I despise your human puppets. Yet, I've learned so many things about them. Things that might fascinate you if you don't already know them. Things that could make them easy prey for my thirst.

So, I'm going to start with something they really enjoy bragging about, though I know they forgot what it actually is. And you must believe me and the things I say, cause even entrapped here, I am, above all, a Seeker.

As the First Moon started to glow, in human's eyes I saw Love.

And soon I found that all his kind fel into oblivion,and such worthy feeling has come to be only a word.A cluster of sounds that sometimes awake strange and shattering dreams in one's soul. But they forgot it's purity. They dance around it's meaning and countless centuries in which prosperity for Love was found, have only gone to waste. Poets and artists of all kind painted in words and colors the Love, but now the only thing you can find is it's shell. These are your creatures Arvae.

So I've broken the seal and under the first moon, the Love was dead.

Second Moon has risen,and I heard them whisper Friend.

I picked up the pace and walked in their deserted hearts. Such terrible desolance. And they left aside a devious smile to cover that Friend has decayed and became any person in vicinity. Another word dried and stripped down to bones from it's glory. These creatures talk too much.

My fingers broke another seal and with the second moon's pulse, the Friend died.

The wind started to blow, and I kneeld before the Third Moon.

They sang Trust. Wretched fools, how come they think they know Trust if they have forsaken both Love and Friend? One swing Arvae. One swing and their existence will become same as they valor, nothing. I remember as I sat watching treacherous reflexions in Styx's waters, driven by the only glance of Trust I came to possess. My stunned conscience and clothed veins were empowered by this feeling. In all my solitude, I was not alone. We gave this honor to your creatures. Now look what have they put it through. Insignificant vermins.

And the seal fel to crums as Trust died with the twilight of the third moon.

Altruis came in my thoughts as Forth Moon enlightened me.

So eager to see his legacy embraced by your creatures. But they killed him. Yes, they killed Altruis. And now they worship themselves as temples of blissed ignorance, a world of billions and billions systems, where they cherrish nothing else but their ego. This savage hunger and no self loathing. Selfish maggots. I even disgraced the maggots by leveling them with your creatures.

In haste I dispatch the seal, as the forth moon swallowed Altruism.

Stunned by the Fifth Moon, I lied.

I would have thought that these scundrels know at least the Lie. And then it stricken me that they don't lie in need and distress, they need to lie. Obnoxious. Using the lie to cover every murderous step they make, relying on it even from the beginning. They seek nothing but mortal gain, material as their own flesh.

With the snap of the seal, Fifth Moon took away Lie.

(... to be continued... )

P.N.R.

Oh boy,am I drunk or what?Well...don't know if actually drunk but fair tipsy.I always had a special relationship with the red wine. The Romanian Cabernet Sauvignon of Tohani Domains,or the Italian Barbera d'Asti. Matters not. I love all my wines the same. I am not a notorious drunkard...I just love the confessions of my wine. A sanctity that humans forgot to enjoy. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. My love is. Passed beyond the point of no return,and with no safe decision to make,I say; I love you.You, the woman than sneaked into the very shaded corners of my being,and enrooted so deep into the bark of my heart,that trying to break you off it's just not meant to be. I am sorry for the sorrow I give you.For the insecurity or remorse. I know you love me but I also know I shouldn't ever take it for granted. I want to make you smile,yet I prefer when you look serious...as I feel you are feasting on my soul. I am a crazy man. Lost man. Had lost my battles and for that I'll always have to pay the price.But it's now I know that if that price would be giving up on you,I'll rather die.Cause certain as my wine,I know that without you in my life, I am nothing more than I was before. A dead souless reliq.

Reqviem

I have traveled many lands and seen many things.I am not a brilliant person.I won't cure cancers and I won't send people on Mars.I am not rich nor poor.Cause the nature really gave me only two things at my birth: the right to die, and till that point, to guide me,it gave me insight. I won't write bestseller books.I won't move masses. I can only reach into the most obscure corners of human mind and pull out whatever I like.
I am broken and suffering is my keeper. No, I don't cut myself or have suicidal eerie dreams or thoughts. I just live with it a sort of concubinage.A symbiosis. And all was fine.
But what is there to do when you find someone that enters your soul and pour themselves into it's cracks,making a broken soul feel whole? It's a more pleasant sensation,but scary none the less.Cause now, again, your soul is in a position to decay from.
I have murdered the souls of many people. Shattered their dreams and so their future. But I always was an outsider to them. How can I carry the thought that one day, my soul will be murdered from the inside? Cause if I learned something, it's that everything mortal fades. Disipates. The buildings, the affection, the love. Like a time juggler, I forsee my future. My ending. It's meant to happent. It is written that a day will come when my hatred will infect the one holding my soul together.Like a mold in an old wall. And then I will be left with nothing than my own memory of the past.
But what if what I feel is not the creation of mortal beings? What if it's everlasting? Then I can only assume I found something immortal...
My immortal...

Cerchio

My art. My serene scenario. A letter, where I leave behind my guide of life :Mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur. I am beyond comprehension,remembering a film's reflection: Time can't heal all wounds; revenge does. Where and towards who should I direct my hatred? Day after day I gave up and left something in the past. So much till my heart became deserted in such manner that my soul abandoned me. A empty desert. Giving generously mirages to any stranger that took the time to watch in it. Do not be fooled by my fair shadowed smile. Don't think that if once I pulled you out of the dirt was a act of a worthy human.
The dream I had of my world long fallen apart,sometimes haunts my sleep. And every move I make is such automaticly performed, just to imbue the minds around with the ideea that I exist. Even you reading this lines, can feel an eerie chill slowly sneaking along your spine.Building a world in which you have believed to be normal. But know this; I am not ordinary nor logic. An inteligible text written in my flesh before it even existed. Poison and suffering enhnace my every spark of life. And now, the moment showed me how ciclic my existance came to be. So round and slowing that I am afraid. Thinking with terror that my day of peace will
never come. That I have been forgoten, and doomed to live forever this circleing human life.


Photo: Francesco Marino

Amicis

Friendship. What a silly word to paste upon every scarred crevasse in you glacial soul. I have grown in time,as all humans do,and developed ties to the other. I have believed in words as they come, and in friends how they go. The world is too big for me to embrace it all,so in my incapacity I limited myself to love fewer things again and again, and to cherrish less people. But where do you stand, when you see your chosen one looking upon you with pitty, placeing you in the bundle with the rest of the world. Where is the bond then? So I came to see that no true allegiance was taken one me. Where is your pledge that you eagerly took a while ago? I know,my dear reader that sufference makes the best and less perfectible changes. When the sun goes down after a harsh day,you are left with nothing but yourself. People don't know what Semper Fi is anymore. So pinned down to wall,there is nothing left to do than desert and embrace the lonely and steady path you got at birth.

It is hard,but then again, easy things make you decay. And an advice, never sit in a place when you aren't welcomed there anymore. Does nothing for no one. Spread you wings and let the surge of unknown swallow you. Wherever you are, my lonesome friend, know that your struggle is shared with me. Wild wolves we are. Safe in a pack. Mended in solitude.

Fairly...

I can say I am fairly intoxicated by this point.Not with the life or so,but...alcohol.To convey my shame I think that all the people subject to being called genius had a unusual love for acohol.Somehow I think is logic to numb your brain if you want to live in a lesser world.It's about pleasure.I enjoy a cold beer in a summer heat, I adore a wine sparkling on my lips.I cover myself in the smoke of a cigarette,and above I love my girl. A woman screwed up by life just enough to cope with the level that I'm fucked up. A smothering silk skin with the perfume of flowers yet not discovered by humans.Divine in her plea for my soul. A concept for my life. Just a simple symphony that Mozart in all his past and current glory couldn't have written.
I am damned for my sins and the sins of thousands of souls I have slaughtered. Passed redemption in a way that no human immagined god can deliver me from. I fear nothing. No , I have feared nothing. Creating disgust in people souls and rejected by most I have constrained myself to seek pleasure and relief in most mundane,yet undiscoverable things. Luck is something I don't believe in,still I am amazed by it.How else could such a woman find me? Being far of immature touch,and still so fresh and fragile, I owe her nothing less but my breath. You,my beloved reader might not understand. I am bound by birth to love once. I am sickened enough by flesh to be mistaken. But through all that, when I go to sleep, I see her eyes. Foolishly trying to find in me a touch of humanity,and so lovely I cannot ignore.I know the debt for being me. And I am likely to lose the things I cherish.It's likely for me to lose her. But my friend,you are my witness that no matter how my cursed corpse will decay, and how corrupted my inside will be, I will always love the woman who hanged herself above my restless fire, just to make me see I can still be loved. And I trust in you, that when my mind would finally leave me,and my tremor will be a constant one, you'll tell her how much I loved her every heartbeat.And what nothingness I'll feel if she would,even for fair reasons,leave me.

Update RO 2.1

I am writeing this because someone outside my beloved's country borders asked me how are we doing.And besides you are most like fed up with my inner struggle for rationality.

Well, just to throw them in, lately our country is going like this:

- high chance for increasing the number and value of taxes of all sort.

- dinner tickets, gift tickets, and banking commisions will be taxed.

- increased real estate tax value.

- aproximately 200.000 employees of companies belonging to Romanian state will be set loose.

- the remaining ones will have theis salaries cut with 25% and pensions are to be cut by 15% with a fair chance that next year there will be no salaries or pensions at all.

- and so much more...

The taxing towards banks scare me the most. Banks will never lose. Instead thousands of small companies that are already being raped by the Economy Ministry will get in bigger trouble.Forced even to declare a bankruptcy that...wait...we don't have a well set Bankruptcy Law.So what's to come?

Besides my fear that somehow I'll get unable to savor a Tiramiù when I want,or even to pay bills for daily used services, I am thinking at other poor bastards like old people living with one,or even less euro per day.And when I said this,it's not an actual amount to get freaky with...from that money you still have to pay your energy,gas,etc...who needs food anyway? Being crude I think that old people will one day soon be delivered by death.A fair share.But what about me? I still have, let's say half a century to live.

Now I must see what someone said to me about six years ago: "Love your country, be proud of where you come from, but go and live somewhere else".Wise man indeed.

Sging

Believe or not the glowing few brief of my life; they’re all just fake
As false as my contempt when I disgrace you winning streak,
So pale, just some bizarre strings that sometimes I use
To hang myself above the others’ lifeless muse.

I’m tired as an old man. All this living grows me weak.
And so the rest of me will know no fall, will touch no peak.
Just clattering in silence my bones from place to place.
In searching for my latest, most pathetic leap of grace.
I thought I can extend my life, extend these mortal days
So I can be a pawn of your renewed dark plays.
And make me slave of feelings, that in honesty,
I must admit they weren’t meant for me.

Then shake no more. No longer strive in fear.
Cause being made from truth, I hold you dear.
But knowing me, all can agree I don’t deserve a lot.
And in this luxury, I don’t deserve who trusts me not.

XXIII

“Cause we are nine. And no mortal soul shall break our bond as we closely watch upon each other.

Cause we are elders. And no wisdom is greater than our eternity.

Cause we are pure. And never to be redeemed.”

The reason while some things stick together are far beyond human comprehension. So what a human mind cannot understand, it divides and categorizes in a mere lame attempt to receive the wisdom so greatly needed. So gods and demon were created to make all seemingly in an order. But little is known that some things are not to be broken to pieces. Dissected, torn apart, they don’t feel right. They don’t act like supposed to, and therefore consequences will emerge.

So, they have taught me what there is not to break. What should I stand for in life, and not to be concerned about every twisted perception a human has on me. No matter how wicked and malevolent that would be.

Loyalty: Far and great were the times when loyalty was above all criteria of measurement of a human’s valor. Once pledged, was never to be broken. I guess in this obscure present the scum of society has finally dismembered the loyalty, placing it rather in a realm with unicorns and faeries. Never was loyalty without respect.

Truth: Hurts like hell if handled reckless. In reality truth can be bent, but only for other’s sake and never, under no circumstance, to be broken.

Purity: Oh, hell… what can u find pure today? Not even a patch of grass, no pond, and far worse, no soul. And remember, not only in good you can find purity. And so comes that the evil is needed and necessary.

Love: Well sandwiched in layers between the ones above. Radiating love for a mortal soul or for the cold maddening rain, it’s all over the place. But…

All 4 exist nowadays. Many brag about having them, and few really do. And today as my veins cloth a bit more, my heart loses another beat, I gain the idea that maybe all those people are not the ones to blame. Maybe they never had the possibility to learn them in a true way, and those fake feelings and valor inside them, are taken to be right.

“Cause we once failed. And now to cleanse we must, or purge”

Set

The sun has risen again over all this frozen land. Smiling at me, trying to deceive and make me not worry about this cold, and this thirst for answer that boils inside me. I sip a bit of coffee and I light a cigar, while my mind collapses again and again in a chaotic ritual in order to create something new.

There is no reason why I should be here. I hear the voices of my lost ones calling. Infusing my head with the sweet thought that life is but a splinter in the tree I must become. I have great things to achieve they say. As a seeker, to put order in the path of the lost ones. To bury the unworthy maggots. But how can this be, when it is me the lost one. A scattered rock. A stray sheep far enough to land an easy prey an a wolf’s meal. What am I doing here when my kind is not? Have I been abandoned? A weak link meant to be removed ? The remaining sparks of sanity entrust me that, even though I am a seeker, I must be found too. That another me is searching. To make me feel again. To understand, but most important to be reunited with my kind.

I’m thinking all this as the morning’s sun made my coffee nothing but cold. A person passes by me, paining me in blunt colors, taking me for granted, to serve no other purpose than to fill the empty spaces between houses. Little this stranger knows that this is exactly like I feel too. A tool at most. And full of resentment, my mind screams into his mind “I don’t belong here”

Ways

My escapades along life's course made the disaster in me grow.And I no longer feel my pain,but I can feel the one tormenting the persons I care for. And this is much worse. Ripping my organs like a deep frostbite, making my eyes blooded and my taste a haven of bitter flow. Tearing apart this vessel that awaits the return of my soul, all my emotions are buttons of self destruction. And for that I cannot allow them to exist. I must suffocate them.
How far can I go? How can I perfect myself when I crave so much for human flesh? Staring at a phone to see a message. Or hopeing it will break my guarded sleep. Longing for something I never had and never will. Mourning every night when your voice does not dare to bless me. To doom me for a daily mortal sin. I am not human. Nor I pretend to be immortal. I am what's left from the centuries of decomposed might. The premonition of something on the verge of slipping your hands. The fear and the bad dreams. And you don't deserve to get drown in this. It's like all those self-proclaimed warriors, the ones sent from the forces of the evil and so many others that mock death...but there will be no moment in their pathetic lives in which only the mere glimmer of death will not make them cower in fear.
Me? I am pure. Not innocent; not without a stain. Pure in my own wicked ways. So to preserve me, I must stay alone. No human emotions. No unrequited love. Cause only this way I will be able to complete. Only this way I can keep you all safe.

Collapsing grounds

First I have to apologize that this post was delayed for so long. Just that the fake happiness surrounding the winter holidays make me sick.So, returning to post I want to ask you...what do you reach to grab when the ground you stand upon starts to shake and endanger your life. I guess not only once has happened to you this. The moment of perish bliss. When you feel all your points of sustain vanish and all the you believed in starts to change, evolve or decay in something you feel unfamiliar with. You grow scare and panic. And you hope for a way, an item or a person to drag you out of all this realm of incertitude.
Well... when it happens to me, instead of reaching for help, I take a deep breath and start to jump. Harder, insane, for the only reason in my mind is to shatter all that I stand upon. A nemesis with a fake sense of understanding that want all destroyed,cause I feel for real that I will never be able to build something until all that was before it's gone. No ruins, no embrace of what once was... but instead the calm and the freshness of e new start. A perfect reset.
That's why I won't fear the turmoils and incertitude that life lays in front of me. Cause they can be the premise of my desired fall. And if I won't be able to rise again, stronger, but most of all, complete, then my worthlessness has taken it's toll for the dangerous games I was playing although I might have not been prepared.