The winter dulled my senses. Maybe it was the cold of it or the fact that I slept so long. To refresh everything,I took a day off from everything and walked outside. Not to do something as usual but just... walk. I felt under my feet the mourning of the leafs fallen the past autumn. I have listened their vanquishing words as I was moving along, pushed gently by a breeze that for reasons above any knowledge was strange to me. Buildings and people were passing by me as my whole Universe wasn't moving. I found a bench under a tree and seemingly I rushed towards it, like an unsatiable call for rest was overwhelming me. Sitting there I have looked upon couples taking a walk, kids anxiously heading back home from school, cars, birds, everything, like in a Degas pastel. And innevitable for me was to ask myself the question: Why do all these things resemble happiness? They look upon life and treat it and deal with it with love. Placing a smile now and then, to soften the day. Dreaming and wishing. So why,now being a peon of the flesh curse, I cannot do that? Why can't I feel that exuberating joy, even childish, even for a second? The smile is running from my face and the tears of joy never gifted me their presence.
I felt anger and repulsion. For me. Like death itself yearning for all that's human and mortal. What is wrong with me?
Hours might have passed by and my faulty rationality haven't gave me an answer yet. So I decided it's useless to keep trying. To find answers to questions that maybe shouldn't have existed in the first place. But as I raised my dusty body a beam of the sun,preparing itself to go away, fell on me. I looked around and ...no one... no one was sharing that ray,or any other for that matter. And then it struck me. I finally realized that was nothing wrong with me.Was nothing wrong with the others I've seen enjoying the day. We just had different paths. Different purposes. When night is about to fall upon the world, my reign begins.
There are things and people out there that will defile the joy and the serenity of the ones I saw. So I, have been gifted with a cause. My absent smile, my pure hatred and vengeful soul...they are not curses.They are not flaws. I have to stand tall and safeguard what I cherish. What I valor and honor. Because the truth is,my dear reader that the world is sick. And somehow the taint needs to be kept away. Then hate me,point fingers and despise me.I am not a saviour or a hero.The fate has chosen me and not viceversa. Just to realize that you cannot fight fire with flowers and smiles, I will fight fire with more fire. And if that's not enough, I shall release the very flame that burns inside me. It will be the end of me,but when that day comes, I too will burn, holding my head up,and finally smile back. To the people that found and knew the purpose of life. To the cold buildings. To the fallen leafs that were mourning under my feet. Maybe crying my faith, or hurting for the burdens that I will have to carry.
Photo: Graur Codrin
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