XXIII

“Cause we are nine. And no mortal soul shall break our bond as we closely watch upon each other.

Cause we are elders. And no wisdom is greater than our eternity.

Cause we are pure. And never to be redeemed.”

The reason while some things stick together are far beyond human comprehension. So what a human mind cannot understand, it divides and categorizes in a mere lame attempt to receive the wisdom so greatly needed. So gods and demon were created to make all seemingly in an order. But little is known that some things are not to be broken to pieces. Dissected, torn apart, they don’t feel right. They don’t act like supposed to, and therefore consequences will emerge.

So, they have taught me what there is not to break. What should I stand for in life, and not to be concerned about every twisted perception a human has on me. No matter how wicked and malevolent that would be.

Loyalty: Far and great were the times when loyalty was above all criteria of measurement of a human’s valor. Once pledged, was never to be broken. I guess in this obscure present the scum of society has finally dismembered the loyalty, placing it rather in a realm with unicorns and faeries. Never was loyalty without respect.

Truth: Hurts like hell if handled reckless. In reality truth can be bent, but only for other’s sake and never, under no circumstance, to be broken.

Purity: Oh, hell… what can u find pure today? Not even a patch of grass, no pond, and far worse, no soul. And remember, not only in good you can find purity. And so comes that the evil is needed and necessary.

Love: Well sandwiched in layers between the ones above. Radiating love for a mortal soul or for the cold maddening rain, it’s all over the place. But…

All 4 exist nowadays. Many brag about having them, and few really do. And today as my veins cloth a bit more, my heart loses another beat, I gain the idea that maybe all those people are not the ones to blame. Maybe they never had the possibility to learn them in a true way, and those fake feelings and valor inside them, are taken to be right.

“Cause we once failed. And now to cleanse we must, or purge”

Set

The sun has risen again over all this frozen land. Smiling at me, trying to deceive and make me not worry about this cold, and this thirst for answer that boils inside me. I sip a bit of coffee and I light a cigar, while my mind collapses again and again in a chaotic ritual in order to create something new.

There is no reason why I should be here. I hear the voices of my lost ones calling. Infusing my head with the sweet thought that life is but a splinter in the tree I must become. I have great things to achieve they say. As a seeker, to put order in the path of the lost ones. To bury the unworthy maggots. But how can this be, when it is me the lost one. A scattered rock. A stray sheep far enough to land an easy prey an a wolf’s meal. What am I doing here when my kind is not? Have I been abandoned? A weak link meant to be removed ? The remaining sparks of sanity entrust me that, even though I am a seeker, I must be found too. That another me is searching. To make me feel again. To understand, but most important to be reunited with my kind.

I’m thinking all this as the morning’s sun made my coffee nothing but cold. A person passes by me, paining me in blunt colors, taking me for granted, to serve no other purpose than to fill the empty spaces between houses. Little this stranger knows that this is exactly like I feel too. A tool at most. And full of resentment, my mind screams into his mind “I don’t belong here”

Ways

My escapades along life's course made the disaster in me grow.And I no longer feel my pain,but I can feel the one tormenting the persons I care for. And this is much worse. Ripping my organs like a deep frostbite, making my eyes blooded and my taste a haven of bitter flow. Tearing apart this vessel that awaits the return of my soul, all my emotions are buttons of self destruction. And for that I cannot allow them to exist. I must suffocate them.
How far can I go? How can I perfect myself when I crave so much for human flesh? Staring at a phone to see a message. Or hopeing it will break my guarded sleep. Longing for something I never had and never will. Mourning every night when your voice does not dare to bless me. To doom me for a daily mortal sin. I am not human. Nor I pretend to be immortal. I am what's left from the centuries of decomposed might. The premonition of something on the verge of slipping your hands. The fear and the bad dreams. And you don't deserve to get drown in this. It's like all those self-proclaimed warriors, the ones sent from the forces of the evil and so many others that mock death...but there will be no moment in their pathetic lives in which only the mere glimmer of death will not make them cower in fear.
Me? I am pure. Not innocent; not without a stain. Pure in my own wicked ways. So to preserve me, I must stay alone. No human emotions. No unrequited love. Cause only this way I will be able to complete. Only this way I can keep you all safe.

Collapsing grounds

First I have to apologize that this post was delayed for so long. Just that the fake happiness surrounding the winter holidays make me sick.So, returning to post I want to ask you...what do you reach to grab when the ground you stand upon starts to shake and endanger your life. I guess not only once has happened to you this. The moment of perish bliss. When you feel all your points of sustain vanish and all the you believed in starts to change, evolve or decay in something you feel unfamiliar with. You grow scare and panic. And you hope for a way, an item or a person to drag you out of all this realm of incertitude.
Well... when it happens to me, instead of reaching for help, I take a deep breath and start to jump. Harder, insane, for the only reason in my mind is to shatter all that I stand upon. A nemesis with a fake sense of understanding that want all destroyed,cause I feel for real that I will never be able to build something until all that was before it's gone. No ruins, no embrace of what once was... but instead the calm and the freshness of e new start. A perfect reset.
That's why I won't fear the turmoils and incertitude that life lays in front of me. Cause they can be the premise of my desired fall. And if I won't be able to rise again, stronger, but most of all, complete, then my worthlessness has taken it's toll for the dangerous games I was playing although I might have not been prepared.

Gracefull idiocy

Not a secret, for me at least, that idiot people are happier. Or maybe I was just mistaken, in a way that today I might be able to correct. I guess they're not happier, they just have different ranks and values for happiness meaning. As money go where money already are, same, for the people over the idiot level, happiness develops other meanings. Meanings that most probably are unreachable targets. Therefore, with certitude, smart people will never be happy. Tell me one person of wisdom that was happy. That had a wonderful easy life. Don't tell me Rihanna,or a football player name if you care to leave your desktop alive. And I am not happy. Don't know if it's a brain development, or that I'm just too ... finished. Sometimes it's ok, but many times I've come to wonder if it's really a great idea to give up the sentiment of wholeness for the capacity to learn faster new things, to think, to create. So, I can think that only egoist persons can be happy. Not the highest level of happiness life can't provide, but what you don't know, can't hurt you.You can't miss the taste of grapes if you never ate one. I just need to find a way to demote my rationality enough to be happy for my level. To once can touch something without draining the joy and life out of it. Any suggestion is welcomed, so feel free to drop one in the Comment section. Till tomorrow, keep in mind: don't argue with stupid people; they'll drag you to their level and beat you with their experience.

Cumulative darkness

Few besides my closest and limited friends know me as a funny, interactive, and a nice guy. Hell, maybe not even then see me like this. But majority's perception regarding me is a lot darker. And not necessary a wrong one. Defined by nature, I'm not an easy to stand around guy. I'm kinda possessive, and reticent to all new faces around. I'm bitter-sour and easily capable to create discomfort. Capable to consume your air in a matter of seconds and create an angst environment. Maybe, all cause I've screwed things up so many times, maybe a lot more than a person should get. In all my days I've been sincere, and deceiving. Pain absorber and damage dealer. And maybe cause not even today I feel I was placed right in time. I seem more than slightly different, and although very adaptable, I feel no excitement to do it. I crave for moments and desire contexts that vanished long time before my birth. After a few drinks I might really believe in reincarnation. And no longer can assume that all I'm feeling it's a teenage normal behavior. Almost 23 now biologically and spirit-wise, definitely more than that.
Quoting a song, I can find that the real reason for me being here, it's due to a temporary overburdened hell. Stuck on a waiting list, ignored with mastery by the clerks there, there isn't much for me to do. Maybe I'll just keep posting daily on this blog while you'll wonder if a person like me really exists. Or even if I should exist...

...part two of romanian stupidity

Although you can't actually quantify the stupidity, and for sure reasons the Romanian one, I feel the urge to continue the last day's post regarding the national presidential elections occurred Sunday. Romanian people had started screwing thing up even since the Aurelian withdrew the roman armies in 267 AD. Sparks of knowledge occasionally emerged to surface, but only to be slaughtered in a matter of days. We seem not to like smart people, and when induced otherwise there surely a scheme of manipulation is involved. We also don't like curious people, and as the English saying "Curiosity killed the cat", we have our own "Curiosul moare repede"... the curious people die quick.
In a political climate salted in history also by military purposes we hide, but we should be known for our ability to sneak and betray. Not only once happened to switch sides, and as for WWI and WWII, a person with a sense of history can easily see this things happen. We shift for what we presume to be the better side, but soon to be cornered and pummeled. And this does not come undeserved.
Coming back to year 2009 and the elections, the Romanians are divided like this. Rough measures but again, I'm not grasping for the exact numbers. 33% people who can vote with an opened mind, 33% people who prefer not to vote due to lazy feeling or lack of hope, and 33% idiots. I am placed in the second category, carefully wrapped in my gone hope and laziness. But when you find out that 1/3rd of your country is idiot, that must give you a heads up. No election option was long time viable, but as some taught me when I was a kid, when you are pinned to choose, and no option is adequate, you must pick the smallest evil. If you fail to see that your country has suffered and been constantly grinded in the last 5 years, you must suck really bad in all domains. I pity your family and your neibourghs, your future generation and the people you come in contact with. We get stupid everyday, but enough is enough. We must finish it once. Look everywhere, look on your paper in the international news section. Look on the internet. No thinking human believes that what happened here, in 6th December is the right thing to do. And all of these choices my own nation makes, just push me over the edge, and give me courage to accept the fact that one day, very soon, I must escape this place. With no remorse, and my rationality still operational.